Research

{ November 25, 2007 @ 4:59 am } · { shidduch }
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A weird glimpse into the life of LilBT: Flatbush single girl / dating machine…

Here’s how it goes down:
1.)  Shadchan calls: “I have a boy to suggest to you….”  She goes on to describe every little detail she knows, “He’s 5′10″, he graduated from XYZ University, he learns at XYZ Yeshiva, his parents are divorced, he’s attractive and seems even tempered.  He works part time as a XYZ, etc. etc.  He’s given the go-ahead for you.  Would you like his references?”

2.)  “He’s given the go-ahead”- this means, he’s already heard this shpeal about you (don’t you wonder what that shadchan said about you?  do you seem even tempered?  are you “put together,” or chas v’shalom- are you “a nice girl with a great personality…”  eek!), he’s already called all your references and spoken with your rabbi, and he doesn’t hate you yet.

3.)  You get his references.

4.)  Some older woman’s bratty kids hang up the phone on you… *siiiigh*

5.)  You speak to his roommate in yeshiva- of course his roommate doesn’t know anything about him.  “Could you give me a few words that describe XYZ?”  “derrrr…i hate this question…uhhh…er…organized?”  *siiiiiigh*  Greeeat, that’s what I really want in a future husband- outstanding organizational skills.

6.)  No glaring red flags appear, so you call the shadchan back.  “Onward to the next akward step, please,” you tell her.

7.)  Suitor XYZ calls you.  You confirm any negative things you heard about him.  You don’t hate him yet, but you’re getting closer.

8.)  He asks you out on a date.  (hopefully it’s dinner, but it’s probably just for a soda)

9.)  THE DATE

10.)  He arrives on your doorstep in a suit, black hat, and shiny shoes.  (You know something’s amis, b/c shiny shoes are totally assur.  For tznius reasons, of course!  Assur!!)

11.)  He informs you you’re going to Williamsberg (this sounds frum)

12.)  You go to a BAR in Williamsberg.  (mammish bar- smokey, red velvet, the whole works; don’t worry, he left his hat in the car…)

13.)  “What are you drinking?”  (thought we left this question at the frat houses of yore… oh, what the heck- vodka cranberry please; i’m gonna need it!)

14.)  You call back shadchan to, politely, explain you no longer want to date bar hopping black hatters.  But thanks…

P.S. Any good (and serious) questions you think I should ask whilist I’m researching what could be my future husband?  Freaky, no?

To Lie or Not to Lie… that is the question

{ August 24, 2007 @ 7:02 pm } · { Dating Fears, Frumster, shidduch }
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Okay, so I’m pretty much done with my frumster account at the end of this month, because I’m really hoping that once I get to New York, I can meet people in a more organic way *fingers crossed*. 

I have a few dates lined up, and I’m very excited about the whole situation. 

Then it started happening.

All is well and good while we’re messaging back and forth on frumster, chatting online, or sharing a phone conversation.  Then, when an actual date is getting set, the guys get all…possessive… for lack of a better word.

I have not been alluding to the other guys I’m talking to, and I have definitely not been flaunting it, but all of the sudden guys say “So, do you have like… 100 dates lined up for when you get into town?”

I mean, I have nowhere near 100, so I could justifiably say “no,” but I know that’s not what they mean.

Do you lie to the guy before you two have even met, or are you honest?  I don’t see why it’s necessarily any of his business since we haven’t even met yet.  I mean, was it unspokenly accepted that once I returned his message on frumster I was “off the market” so to speak?  I hardly doubt this is what he’s been doing. 

So far 3 guys have asked me this.  I have no idea how to answer them.  I usually lie.  I don’t want them to get upset, and I don’t see what good it might do but hurt their feelings or make them angry (which would be stupid). 

Am I not supposed to be doing what I’m doing?  Am I breaking the unwritten “shidduch code”?  Fill me in!

I’m a Lady, darn it!

{ August 22, 2007 @ 6:32 am } · { shidduch }
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I may be a BT, but I am still a lady.

If you wouldn’t curse in front of an FFB, don’t do it in front of me.

If you wouldn’t ask an FFB that on a first date, then don’t ask me.

I’m definitely not uptight, and I’m one of the more “chill” girls I know, but I don’t see why I’ve lost the status of being treated like a lady.

We can totally reminisce, we can talk about BT things, and I definitely won’t mind answering any question you can throw at me once we get to know each other… but what happened to the chilvalry and “grace period” of common decency? 

Anyone else encountered this?

 Post Script Addition:
When I say I don’t think we’d make a good match, don’t throw back in my face that I’m a BT, and have I even begun to think about what this does for my dating possibilties.  That’s low and uncalled for.  Of course I’ve thought about it; I think about it every day.  But, now, I really don’t want to go out with you, so thanks for making that decision easier.  Let’s keep it civil, okay?  I’m a lady.

Buyers Remorse

{ August 20, 2007 @ 5:11 am } · { Uncategorized }
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So, for the first time since frumming out, I have seriously experienced a bout of “buyers remorse.”  I read an article today about the laws of niddah and separation of husband and wife.  “Same old, same old,” I thought. 

I’ve pretty much debated, battled, and, ultimately, accepted that my husband and I will sleep in separate beds half the time, I’ll brave the scary mikvah lady, etc. etc.  Then I read this article, and my whole little BT world of pretty colored psalms and quotes and ideas came crashing down around my ankles.

The article was about a woman who’s husband became terminally ill rapidly.  The doctors only gave him a few days to live, and he did, in fact, die only a couple days after the diagnosis.  However, because she was in the last few days of niddah, her “clean days,” she was unable to touch him.  They did not break halacha, and he slipped away without as much as a good bye kiss.

It was gut wrenching, and I cried.  I know I promised not to make this a depressing blog, but…

Man, I feel depressed.

I don’t want that.

If my husband became terminally ill, and I was niddah, I have to admit, I would not (and, on a lot of levels, wouldn’t want to be) strong enough to hold back.  The doc says he only has 3 days to live?  Then, by goodness, we are living up those 3 days. 

Now… how do I find someone to marry who feels the same way I do…

Frumster: a lesson in multi-tasking

{ August 17, 2007 @ 4:55 am } · { Frumster }
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First, I have NO idea how those mormon polygamist husbands keep up with all their many wives. 

I’ve been on Frumster for about 2 months now, and I can’t even keep up with the screen names attached to real names, who’s studying for smicha, who’s in law school, and who’s a bum “making art.”  I can’t remember who immed me last night or even who I’m talking to on the phone right now (that is, what his screen name is tied to his AIM name tied to his picture password tied to what in the world he might be studying…Hashem help us if he has some sort of quirky interest)

I am under the impression that I’m not the only person on frumster communicating with multiple persons.  How does everyone keep up with this?!  I feel like I need some sort of cheat-sheet everytime I respond to a new message.  I am sure I have repeated myself, and I know guys have asked me the same question more than once. 

Does anyone actually get married off this site? 

False Advertising

{ August 13, 2007 @ 3:21 am } · { Frumster, shidduch }
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I was having a surprisingly nice and fluid 1st time- phone conversation with a potential match yesterday, a fellow BT.  We were chatting along, and he said, out of NOWHERE: “I was in LA last week.  I did an open mic-night at a club.  This really cool black chick came up to me afterwards.  We ended up hooking up.”

 Bwha?! 

I didn’t think I could have possibly heard that right.  Am I back in some frat house?

So, I asked for confirmation, “I’m sorry?  What?  Did you say you hooked up?”

He said yes, they had hooked up, and it was a risk to tell me, but he thought he’d be honest.

So, this got me thinking.

I wrote my last post about how BT’s have a past and is it possible to find a mate who doesn’t care, etc. etc.  I consider myself a very open and non-judgemental person.  I didn’t have that crazy of a past, pretty average for the normal secular collage student, but I feel like, ya know, who am I to judge.

HoWeVeR, if you are on frumster, calling yourself orthodox, is it really fair to have hooked up with a random “black chick” only a week before?  I don’t call this much of a past as much as I call it a present.

Isn’t that false advertising?

It is what it is

{ August 8, 2007 @ 4:35 am } · { Dating Fears, shidduch }
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I had a potential match say something very nice to me today.  Actually, something I’ve been really hoping I’d hear. 

“I don’t care what you did.  I don’t care who you were.  All I care about it who are you are now and where you’re headed.”

I think I am like all other BT’s when I say that I have a past. 

I drank, I danced, I wore slutty clothes, I revelled in music, movies, films- I lived it up. 

I wouldn’t do it now; I don’t do it now; I don’t plan on doing it again. 

BUT, I don’t plan on denying it for the rest of my life or pretending it wasn’t like it was.  It all added up to help make the final picture of the girl that stands before you today.

(And, to be honest, it was fun.  I had an awesome time.)

In this new life, is there a happy medium?  Can be you be happy about who you were before you “saw the light”?  Or, does it demand a contrite, ashamed, and abashed countenance?   

If my potential match knew- really knew- I mean, saw All the untagged facebook pics., knew all the old boyfriends, had it all spelled out for him- would he still say he didn’t care?

I’m sorry… I don’t speak Boro Park…

{ August 6, 2007 @ 1:10 am } · { Bais Yaacov }
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So I called around to some Bais Yaacov establishments this morning.  Wowzers, was that an intimidating experience.  I forget how hard it is for me to relate to super frum jews over the phone.  First of all, many have exceedingly thick accents (at least the Boro Park type), and so I find myself saying “I’m sorry…what?” after like every sentence.  Definitely sounding like some sort of alien outsider.

Additionally, I seem to always be called upon to defend my inability to speak Hebrew.  The problem with this being, I conceed defeat before it’s even brought up.  I’m not pretending- I don’t speak Hebrew, I can barely read Hebrew, and what I can read, I can definitely not understand. 

“Hi!  This is *insert secular name* (did i mention no one can remember what my Hebrew name is?  oh yes, i was given one…and no one- parents, childhood rabbi, etc. etc.- can remember), and I’m calling with regards to the teaching position.”

“Vhut you dunt spek Hebrew?”

“I’m sorry…what?”

“No Hebrew?”

“Uh…no.”

“Vhut zuh Hebrew is imbortant.”

“I’m sorry…what?  Oh!  Yes, I also think Hebrew is very important.  It’s just…uh…I mean, the newspaper listing says that you having openings in secular studies, and…um…”

“You zav experience?”

“Zav…exp…wah…Oh!  Yes, I just graduated from a teaching program with my degree, and I worked as a substitute teacher this past year…”

“No openings.”

“I’m sorry…what?”

“Ze hab no openings for zu.”

“But…but I wear skirts!

“Vhut?”

“Oh, nothing.  Um…okay, uh…thank you.”

You don’t think I’m a Jew at all, do you, Mr. Chassid-man…

Okay…so they weren’t all that bad, but you get the idea.  I think having a completely non-Jewish name doesn’t start the ball rolling so great.  And…I mean…having to ask the over-worked chassid to repeat himself 8 times isn’t so grand either. 

 I called the dean of my seminary, and he said he’s meeting with the rabbi who is supposed to be finding me a teaching position tomorrow, so…hopefully they have more luck.

*Sigh*

Big Time BT Moment = New Dating Fear

{ August 2, 2007 @ 1:06 am } · { Dating Fears }
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So, I was sitting down to a delicious steak this evening, and, as I mumbled a brucha, I thought to myself “Wow, I really don’t have to wash very often.  I don’t eat a lot of bread…”

Then my mind jolted back to going to a Pizza place while visiting flatbush with my Rabbi.  We were seminary shopping, and stopped for lunch.  We wash, we make hamotzi, and all is well.  Then we finish.  Ahhh, benching. 

First of all, I need a bencher.  Enough said.

Second of all, I read Hebrew at…probably… the speed of a mentally challenged 1st grader… who doesn’t read Hebrew.

So, my Rabbi (being ever-kind) gets up and locates the benchers.  He brings some over and hands them to me.  I quickly shuffle through them as angry flatbushers are already trying to nose their way into our table.  Then shear panic hits. 

They’re all in Hebrew.  No translations, and definitely no transliterations.  Okay, dude, I need some help here.  I need some transliterations or at least some English to help expediate the process.  It would take me 30 minutes to bench like this! 

Blah.  This raises my newest dating concern. 

BENCHING:

If I go out to dinner with a guy, and we end up making hamotzi do I:

1.) Bring my own hebrew and english or hebrew and transliteration version in my purse? 

2.) Take my chances and mumble through a lot of the hebrew faster than actually reading it…. isn’t that assur?

3.) Call ahead and see if they have any benchers that would actually be of use to me?

4.)  Refuse to go to any restaurants that serve food I would have to make hamotzi over.

Issues, issues. 

What to Wear…What to Wear?

{ July 31, 2007 @ 8:15 pm } · { Dating Fears, shidduch }
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So, I got to thinking the other night.  What does one wear on a shidduch date?  Clothes… yes.  That much I got.

Here’s my delema.  Though I do only wear skirts, I have a wide variety of skirt styles, lengths, and materials.  Not really knowing this young gentleman’s preferences, and hearing how utterly cutthroat and competitive the shidduch world is, however do I decide which would be most appropriate for him.

Floor Length Skirt:  Does it scream “I frummed out really quickly and aren’t I SO religious?  You can’t even pretend to imagine that I own a legs.  Well I don’t.  I’m too religious to own legs.  So there!”  ?? 

Mid Calf, but Red: Does this fall under the ortho-provocative look I’ve heard so much about.  Like wearing slits (which i don’t- aren’t I SO religious.  you can’t even pretend… whoops, sorry, sorry) or really tight shirts?  I never knew red was an issue.  Does this mean stoplights will soon be consider assur by the charedim?

Just Below the Knee:  All’s fine until you sit down and then WHOA- I didn’t know I told my shadchan to set me up with a lady of the evening. 

I don’t want to be a lady of the evening.  But I also don’t want to worry about how I sit all night.  “Okay, if I just kinda tuck my feet under the chair, and cross my ankles, we’re good.  I must not cross my legs… I must not cross my legs… I must not cross my legs.”   

Is it painfully obvious I’ve never actually gone on a shidduch date before?  Is this just one major over-think?  What will most boys wear on dates?  What do you wear on dates?  But, (really, and much more importantly) what do I wear on a date?  :-P

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